I am here on this planet for a reason, we all are, and I have stumbled, jumped and bumped my way through this life just trying to find the piece of the puzzle that would make those reasons clear. I was looking for perfection, I think. Looking for that piece of something that was going to benefit ME. Financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, I didn’t care, all the above would have been a bonus. Up until recently I had still been searching. It had looked to have become an empty quest. I was quickly losing faith.
A light bulb moment took me by surprise this morning. Mindlessly going through my normal routine, my mind a jumbled mass of questions, I was doing my best to ignore the internal chaos. Taking advantage of the meditational value of monotony, I opened my heart and allowed guidance in.
Admittedly, my first reaction was disbelief, then grief, then relief. I had been fighting FOR it and AGAINST it, in a crazy tug-a-war of the unknown, for weeks and had found myself in a topsy-turvy mass of misunderstandings. Why me? Why this? Why now?
“By divine design dear,” is all I hear. In all the turmoil, this is actually a very well laid out plan I bet! 😦 All delightfully calculated to teach lessons and patience and understanding of just how far the human spirit can be pushed before it actually ceases to fight or dies trying.
Today I learned that all the glories and the pains I had personally endured in my life was leading me to the piece I had been searching for. But boy, I was not expecting it to be like this. Not at all.
It showed up in a whirlwind of anger and temperament, in pain and anguish, in sadness and fear. This piece popped into my life with such burning rage that I’m still shaking off the flames. It is singed and cracked, barely readable, fight wary and terrified, BUT… it fits.
At first I thought I could fix it. Smooth out the fringes, decorate it up a bit, you know, make it look presentable. Obviously… that is not my mission. That beautiful, imperfect, battle-worn piece came home to me EXACTLY how it was supposed to be.
The recent dedicated maintenance of this body, mind and spirit was all in the anticipation of this day. Meticulously shaping it, molding it, educating it in order to unconditionally love, without judgment or fear, this final fragmented piece of my own puzzle.
Not only is this the contract I signed before entering into this body but it is now my privilege and my honour in acceptance of it. I humbly bow to its bravery in getting to this place. I receive the challenge, with all of me, and with hands on this mumma’s broken heart, I welcome it.
I will weep and pray for a peaceful, painless release on this plane all while I will breathe in the strength to maintain it until that day comes. It is home now, it has always belonged to me and now that I am complete with it, we can begin to mend. Maybe, God willing, we can heal.